The Aftermath - The journey continues...

It's been 88 days since we set foot again in Germany. A long time without a post.
Surely, the journey ended; the one-year-trip that is. The journey in our head continues. And it is hard to describe, as it sets free so many mixed feelings. so many changes and yet everything seems to be as it was before.

We owe much to our friends, our families for their support and enthusiasm that kept us going when it was difficult, and honestly, that keeps us going as coming back is actually harder than being away.

Thinking back to what we experienced, it's hard to capture it in a few sentences. We are often asked; what was the best place? It's almost impossible to decide, we can hardly "simply" get to a top 10.  So here's a top 12; not in order or what was best!

1. soaking in the hotsprings underneath the Japanese stars on an almost deserted island
2. driving with 4 new friends in an old Russian van through the Mongolian desert
3. watching the Siberian fall from a train window, while eating the salty fish you purchased from a Babushka on the platform
4. eating home-made hand-rolled sushi with our friends in Tokyo
5. experiencing a finnish, a russian, a laotian and japanese way of sauna
6. standing on the top of the world in the Nepalese Himalaya, breathing in the thin air
7. outrunning the storm on the ocean with nothing but your tent and clothes in a kayak, trying to find shelter on a dozen deserted stony islands
8. entering a complete empty Tibetian monastery with nothing but chanting, and then pitching your tent overlooking the mountain range.
9. enjoying true Mongolian hospitality when staying in a yurt with a Mongolian family
10. buying, living in, loving and selling our own first van in New Zealand
11. surfing goldcoast with our friends
12. fishing in Auckland waters, cuddling two wonderful dogs and then playing a piano after months

Another way of looking at it, is by capturing it in numbers. Here's a first attempt

• We visited 20 countries (not counting Germany and the Netherlands) of which 15 we had never set foot in before.
• We were on the road for 352 days. We had about 306 days of sunshine, 39 rainy days and 7 full of snow. It felt like 352 days of sun.
• We left with 16 and 19 kgs luggage on our back. We returned with 2x23, and 4+6 kg handluggage.
• We sent 8 parcels home (to ourselves) with stuff that we couldnt carry anymore. All arrived, thankfully!. 4 of our most precious parcels with diaries were brought home by friends, a generous act that we appreciate highly!
• The biggest material loss: one of our telephones (not stolen, simply forgotten). The biggest purchase: a laptop (and the van ;))
• The highest point: 4800 meter at Kanjin Ri summit (Nepal).
  Lowest point: -18 meter at Chumpon Pinnacle (Koh Tao, Thailand).
• Hottest countries: Thailand, Laos, Cambodia and definitely Malaysia. Coldest places: the nights in Nepal & Mongolia and New Zealand in June. Emotionally coldest were definitely Russia (excluded our friends in Moscow!) and Thailand.
• Experiences are hard to capture in pictures, still we've kept 26.296 photos and videos in 80 (sub)folders, after deleting about 40% :)
• And most importantly: we gained over 100 new friends and strenghtened existing ones all over the world!! Sadly enough, no gains without losses; a few old friendships were broken along the way... which is probably part of the game but very painful for us.

As for coming back; we wrote a lot of text about coming back in the meantime. Since not all has been positive, we almost didn't want to publish it. However, we believe that for those that have been so faithfully reading our blog, this is also part of it. It's not just a journeys of highs, the highs wouldnt exist without the lows. Thats life a constant series of highs and lows but of course it is hard to understand and accept after such an amazing time that is has come to an end... Dont get us wrong being back is not bad in total or general... we would just love to continue and we try even as we are home :)

June 20th - in the train to Holland
"We had a difficult time this morning. The flight was fine, much better than expected with good service and we even got some sleep. It was stepping outside of the airport that brought up the tears; a little bit of an emotional rollercoaster. Everywhere on the road we've wondered whether we would return in the place, and if we could ever live there. Nowhere, except maybe New Zealand or Tasmania, we've found a place where we would settle. Being back in Germany is in a way exciting; but will it hold its promises?

Just when we exit the customs and believe that there is no one here anyway to pick us up, Sebastian (an old friend of Jan) shouts "stop, stop". Mar looks a little puzzled, they haven't met in person, just over the phone. It's a real surprise, and a really, really welcome one!! We've made the right decision, going to Holland. Now that our stable world kind of falls apart, it's lovely to know there are friends and family waiting. Maybe it sounds a bit weird, but somehow this ever being on the road (which in itself might be ever changing and "unstable") is kind of a mission, a fixed fact. You hold on to the journey, your target is moving onto the next stop. Day after day after day. Frankfurt was the last stop. What now? Somehow our world feels like crumbling to pieces.

Having been away for such a long time, we kind of observe our home as if it's a country we never travelled in before.
It smells different. Basically it smells like nothing. This warm, sweet air that smells like a mixture of coconut, chili, sweat and exhaust fumes is gone. Clear, fresh air (or at least not polluted) fills our longs. And it's quiet in the train. Much quieter than we realized. But the people are frozen. They stare at you, you smile, and there is no smile coming back. We wonder. They hurry, stress, push to get into the train and don't look after each other. Is that the difference in our Western society? Our in our cities in particular? We experienced similar things in cities in Australia and New Zealand. Have we become so individual, that we like to stay in our own, safe comfort zone that doesn't include strangers?

Outside, suddenly the landscape changes, the flat country of  Holland rushes in. We're now really "home", at least for Mar. Flat country, bike vaults at the station, yellow license plates all around, those typical 2-under-1-roof houses, blikvangers ("cancatchers", but the other translation is eyecatcher)... We can't help it, the tears just flow. But it was really good coming back "home" as our family in Holland welcomed us warmly and we felt wanted, missed and people were happy to hold us again! It was nice to finish our journey the way it started... by Marjoleins parents we have been picked up in Bremen and now we get dropped by them in Bremen :)

August 6th - back in Hamburg
It's incredible with what kind of speed we rush back into "normal" life. We both have our ups and downs, and it all feels really unsure.  Our journey, our lifetime experience feels now so far away, that we consider it as unfair. Why did we come back? What stopped us from continuing? Some money was there, we still had all our stuff and no flat; all it would take is a call to the insurance company to prolong the conditions and a ticket to nowhere.

And here we are, two weeks later. A rental apartment richer, one job started. And on the serious way back to stress. For Mar, it's unbelievable how fast the world "sucks" her back into (the old) reality, and as if it has all been a dream the memories fade. Which reality? We wonder....wasn't our time on the road as pure and real as this world? And what makes us choose to return to the old ways of working? Is it the hunger for stability and security? Is it the need to be back with our loved ones and friends? To save for the next trip? We don't know. And it's frustrating to not have the answers.

For Jan, it's even a different story. A self-chosen unemployment to search for what he really wants in life; instead of jumping to the next paycheck job. A brave and hard decision. It's impossible to explain to people that have lived their lives in secure job for years and years. But it's something we cannot go back to (at least yet), we don't want to and hopefully won't. And in a way, Mar envies him. But it's a harsh way, as it is a lonely one. Lonely, being separated from each other again during the day. Lonely, as many don't understand and even judge the decision. The first question mostly is and what was best? Second question is and what do you work now? Wouldn't you expect your loved ones to choose what is right for you, instead of pushing you into the direction what might be right for them? Why seems work to be ones main and only personality?

Our friends warned us for this situation; the massive gap you fall into when all the fun is over. It's a new start, a new fresh beginning. You're supposed to be sparkling with energy (in a way we do!), but sometimes all you can do is cry, as it feels like you lost something. We feel like we lost a battle, but we're unsure against what.

It's ridiculous how easy it is to fit in; or seems to be. A bit like a time warp: everything and everyone is still there. But are you? You've changed, and the world around you might have, but hasn't in many cases. The old patterns are there....it's easy to slip/fall back into it; even though you promised you would never do it again.

August 7th - Hamburg continues
As for everyone, some days are less bright...but some are very sunny. Fortunately, today is one of the latter. It's out first night in the new apartment; the sun shines high (the summer weather has reached Hamburg!) and we're planning the removal.

Sitting back on the local train to work, we listen into people's stories. Most people here are simply concerned with their own lives, their own work. We wonder how foreigners must observe us, what they see. Just like we've observed so many things over the last months. We don't smile in Europe, and most of us don't make contact with each other either. Those that know each other greet each other heartily; but the rest...."What happens to your 30 degree washable clothes when you sweat at 40?" The guy next to us asks his friend. Who ever said Germans don't have a sense of humor? We feel a bit out of place here, like a foreigner in a new country.

It's nice to be back with friends and family. But while the first euphoria of our return fades, their lives turn back into "normal". Ours doesn't; that's the difference. We watch the world with the same eyes, but see different things, feel different things. And it's hard being separated, very hard. The most important thing is to NOT let the everyday stress come in between us. We both have to find our way, and the only person that understands what we are going through is the other one. We kind of expected this, but didn't want to think it would be so ambivalent.

Our new flat is small, much smaller than we wanted. So far, it has a mattress, our balcony chairs, one lamp and some kitchen stuff. But what else do you need? All our lives we are busy gaining more, adjusting our standards and they wanting even more. It's what humans do, move on. But isn't staying satisfied with what you have not as beautiful? Why do we need more money, bigger cars, bigger houses, etc.? From all the people in the world that we've met, the richest were definitely not the happiest. Some exceptions of course, but there is no linear correlation between happiness and wealth. It's not rocket science, but it's good to remind yourself of it. Happiness is not defined by the things you own, and I wish more people in our First World would understand it. We actually loved being in the flat just on the mattress, listening to music and cuddling/enjoying ourselves... thats actually all we want..

Six to twelve buses or trains an hour! can take us to work. The people around us run, and swear when they miss it. The moment will come when we do the same again, but not today. Not yet.

We wish we could have stayed longer on the journey; it's an emptiness, a bitter void that was left in our hearts since we're back; a longing for our time together. If we didn't already before, we now know more than anything that our future is together. It makes it even harder to go to work, with pain in our hearts knowing that the other one is left behind. The choice to start a 4 day week is a really good one. Career implications or not, it is simply the right decision. And more than ever we see, that the way the world has been working so far, cannot be the way we continue. We cannot wait until we are 67, retire and die before we have the chance to live. We have to live now in this moment; enjoy it, feel it, breathe it.

All the First World problems around us seem so irrelevant, and yet we have to deal with them. People here complain a lot; about the traffic, about costs of living, about the weather (an absolute favorite!), about their work, about life in general. And I realize, I might have been one of them. Now, knowing, having lived in a world where clear water, freedom of speech, personal safety are not a commodity but a privilege and corruption is daily business; our issues seem to be just tiny - but still taken dead seriou/existential, ready to displace the one next to us for a bit more income, standing whatever...

It doesn't mean we don't get upset anymore; for example, when a train is late, it does steal our valuable quality lifetime. But so many people stop seeing the beauty in things, in simple things, that it is scary. Many are caught up in our own world, complain about everything in  it and then talk about the rest of the world as if they care. We are baffled about people that only watch the news and now are experts on every foreign subject; or those that read a book and now know everything about e.g. China. For many, the news is some sort of entertainment, a way to state how well we have it here. And then still complain. Actually taking action and doing something about it, seems out of the question.

October 3rd - Denmark
A deliberate choice to take a break - a kitesurfing holiday in Denmark with friends to gain some energy (most of you probably say... pfff holiday again!!!? - but emotional stress is draining!). Somehow we feel like we are not moving forward at all. Mar caught herself running for the bus again. Darn. Didn't we learn anything?

We didn't have one weekend at home: Visiting our friends in Holland, Denmark, Berlin, Sailing in Fehmarn, wakeboarding, kitesurfing, all important stuff to us that we didn't manage to do in the last year!!! The last diary is almost finished; two pages left, that is a good number. But three parcels still to collect, 20 photoalbums still to start on :(. The kitchen is almost finished, 3 more rooms to sort out completely, 20 more boxes to unpack, 1 pair of curtains to fix (again) on the wall, and one basement to sort out. What misses is the motivation, and the definite answer that Hamburg will be the next station for the next years.

We're 31 in the meantime, a little older, a little wiser (maybe). We change our appearance and grow grey hairs, but deep inside, our hearts stay true, and that's most important. Maybe it's ok that we don't have all the answers yet, surely they will come as we move on. The 20 boxes can wait. So the journey (back home) continues :)....